Winston

Dearest Winston,

I can't believe my baby is turning three. I'm sorry this last year was so chaotic. I feel like I have missed so many nuances of growth and change in you. You are such a special boy and your Daddy and I love you to pieces. Some of the details aren't clear, but here are some of things we love about you;

• You love to make messes. The problem is you are so cute when you do it so mommy doesn't always stop you like I should. It's true what they say, the youngest gets away with murder. I like to think of you as an artist with an advanced sense of tactile sensation.

• You love drawing. You will sit for VERY long periods of time and just draw perfect little circles and zig zags. No one taught you how to hold a pencil…you just knew. Your favourite toy right now is the plain notebook and pencil that your Grandma Debbie gave you for Easter. You are forever asking where your "handy-dandy-notebook" is.

• You like to scrunch your face up and growl at people at the most inappropriate times…usually with strangers.

• You LOVE hyphenated words. I've never met a child who liked hyphenated words so much! You say things like, "Momma-Grandma-Debbie." and "I'm a horsey-puppy-bear!" With matter-of-fact authority you tell me,  "It's called guaco-guaco-molia" and your crystal clear request at the drive thru window is always a "hom-hom-cheeseburger!"

• You love to put your big brothers in "bum-locks." You tackle them to the ground, whip your little legs around their neck and squeeze tight--your diaper in their face. You squeal in delight at their discomfort. Your big brothers sure do love you to let you get away with it!

• You are compulsive liar about your age. You told everyone you were "four" until Knox turned five…then suddenly you were "five" too.

• No matter where we go, you always offer to pray, and without fail, you pray the same thing, "Dear God, please, don't be scared…" This can be a little awkward, but we know you mean 'please help me not to be scared…as in, at bedtime…'

• You like to give Knox permission to do anything he wants. If Knox asks for ice cream, your raspy little voice calls out, "Sure, Knox, sure…go ahead!" 

• You always tell me, "I love you too, Mom!" when I never said it first. I'm so glad you know I love you, Honey!

• Your favourite songs are "Lion Man," "Baby I'm Howling for You" and "What Does the Fox Say?" Without fail, when you hear one of your favourite tunes, you run to me yelling, "Mom, Mom, dance with me!" And of course, I oblige you. I love your sweet little arms around me and your soft cheek on my mine.

• You love all things cowboy. You're usually the Lone Ranger or Tonto, roping random legs and door knobs.

Even at your young age, I'm encouraged by things God is doing in your heart. After hearing the song "Bad Things" from Connie Dever's Praise Factory catechism, you asked me,

"Did bad things kill God?"

"Well, Jesus died for our sins." I tried to clarify, but you already knew the answer.

"But he is alive now." You said with certainty. Then your eyes teared up and you asked, "Will I die because of bad things?"

"No, Honey, not if you ask Jesus to save you. He died for you." You seemed to think about this for a while and accept it.

This is our prayer for you, little guy. We long for you to know God's love and care in your life and his mighty power to save. We pray that your life would give God glory and that you would find your happiness and rest in Him.

House and Health Update and Finding Happiness in God

It's been a strange, unsteady kind of year. My imagined future is constantly shifting.

Yet spring is blooming in more ways than one. 

As I walk through the streets of High River, the sun peaks out melting the snow and exposing the remnants of our flood ravaged town.

I can't help feeling like I've lost a year. A year of play parks and library visits. Of bike rides, swim lessons and warm evenings by our fireplace. My toddler is turning three soon and I hardly remember how that happened. The anniversary of our flood is only a few short months away.

Our waiting to return home may also soon be over. Tradespeople and inspectors come and go from our little High River home, and with each leaving we are one step closer to returning.

My health is better then it was in the fall. Not perfect, but improved. So far I have not had to take any of the drugs commonly given for lupus. I'm continuing to give attention to newly discovered food sensitivities, mineral/vitamin deficiencies and getting enough rest. So for now I wait and see. I hold my quest for health with a loose hand, because I know that ultimately, God holds my destiny in his hands.

Foggy Delusions

This past year my theoretical principles have been tested by practical realities. I'm humbled by the fact that I've struggled at times. If God is all I need, then why do I long for a dishwasher, laundry, bathtub and windows that keep the draft out? Why am I grasping for the day when we will return to our home in High River with it's modern conveniences?

I am tempted to hold my breath and wait. To survive the present so I can "get my life back." My foggy delusions obscure reality.

I forget that in this moment of sickness and seeming poverty, I am actually whole, rich and free. I am clothed in the beauty Christ's righteousness and my sins are forgiven because of His blood shed for me. I have an eternity of glory with the One I love most. Free to enjoy Him unencumbered by my sin and all that trips me up in this life. Surrounded by the great multitudes of believers who also revel in His holiness an grace. An inheritance unshakable.

From time to time I get a bad case of spiritual amnesia. I am foolishly waiting for what is already mine.
Thankfully, God's grace is greater than my spiritual blindness. It is greater than lethargy, depression and stupidity. He is faithful when I am not.

Finding Happiness in God

It's becoming quite clear to me that being optimistic about our circumstances is not the same thing as finding happiness in God.

Don't get me wrong. It's a wonderful thing to see the positives in our situations and to be thankful for the little things. But being optimistic and positive about life's curveballs can feel a little trite when you are in the trenches. It's kind of like the parent who tells their kid to "eat their broccoli because some kid somewhere in the world doesn't have anything to eat." It's true, but it doesn't make the broccoli taste any better.

Thankfully, God doesn't want us to pretend we like our circumstances or to have a forced cheerfulness. He wants us to be honest about the fact that we don't like the broccoli even though it's good for us. It's not really about the broccoli. It's about learning to love the giver of good things.

He wants to He wants us to "taste and see that the Lord is good!" (Psalm 34:8). 

As Jonathan Edwards said, "There is a difference between having an opinion that God is holy and gracious, and having a sense of the loveliness and beauty of that holiness and grace." (A Divine and Supernatural Light)

For me, this is where the rubber meets the road. No matter my circumstances, I can taste the loveliness and beauty of God. Looking back to what Christ has accomplished in the gospel for me and looking forward to the fulfillment of His promises. 

For those who have eyes to see, He can be found. His Son, Jesus Christ, has made Him known. He has revealed himself in His word, in history, in his people and in nature. Glimpses of His grace and glory are painted boldly for our feeble eyes to see.

I will greatly rejoice in the Lord;

    my soul shall exult in my God,
for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation;
    he has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress,
    and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. (Isaiah 61:10)

My trials are nothing compared with the tragedies of many. But even baby trials require baby steps. So putting one foot in front of the other, I walk forward in faith, knowing that God is preparing me for eternity. As I view each day's circumstances in light of what is mine in Christ, I get a happy surprise. There is nowhere else I'd rather be than here--rejoicing "in the hope of the glory of God." (Romans 5:2)

The Freedom and Folly of Beautifying Your Body

I have recently been plunged into a world of health nuts. And I say that with affection because I know and love many of these individuals and have largely become one myself. (Having an autoimmune disease has caused me to research natural and healthy ways of healing the body.) However, the industry of health and the industry of beautification seem to be two sides of the same coin. I find the discussion of health almost always begins with the desire for weight-loss and physical attractiveness. While this is not surprising given the beauty-obssessed culture that we live in, what worries me is that Christians so frequently and passively accept the status quo--namely, the idea that striving for physical beauty is a noble pursuit.

I wouldn't go as far as to say that we shouldn't pursue beauty, but rather that we need to pursue it thoughtfully. We need to be fully aware that we live in a culture that would press us to define our worth by how we look. We should be wary of letting people bind us to their roller coaster system. As the Apostle Paul exhorts the Galatians:

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery."(5:1)

At the very least we need to ask ourselves if we are enslaved by others' opinions of our appearance. Do we feel an overwhelming need to conform to others' expectations? Do we long to have them make much of us? We forget that Christ has set us free from that rat race. 

Ironically, we allow ourselves to be enslaved by people while simultaneously forgetting that we are slaves of Christ--an infinitely better slavery! Our bodies are not our own to do with as we please. The Apostle Paul says in 1Cor. 6, "You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body."

So is it wrong for a woman to strive after beauty? Can she feel enjoyment in a new hair style, some beautiful clothing or keeping a trim figure? Or is that participating in an enslaving worldly system? Perhaps it's helpful to take a step back and remember who the Author of beauty is.

MADE IN THE IMAGE OF THE AUTHOR OF BEAUTY

I firmly believe that God loves beauty. He created the world with the eye of an artist, the ear of a musician and the tastebuds of a foodie. The earth is beautiful! "The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork." (Ps. 19) Think of the range of colour that is found in nature and the beautiful intricacy of a snowflake, the sweetness of a perfectly ripe strawberry, and a symphony of sound in nature. In Revelation 4, John describes the throne room of God as being absolutely beautiful. A rainbow the colour of emerald is around the throne and the one who sits on it has "the appearance of jasper and carnelian." Beauty marries order when God creates days and seasons. His creation is complex--not only well-ordered, but also attractive. 

He is a God who makes beauty from ashes and order from chaos. If we are made in his image (and I believe this refers more to moral character and less to physical resemblance), then it makes sense that we would also be lovers of beauty and order. And so we push back the chaos and create beauty in our homes, in the work place, in nature, with our bodies, with food, with music, with words, with art, etc.. Our eagerness to create and to order is evidenced in all facets of human activity. 

MODESTY AND THE PROBLEM OF SIN

Since the fall of Adam, created beauty, perhaps especially in the human body, tends to stir up sin instead of worship. For example, a beautiful form often arouses envy, comparison, lust or pride. But is making your body beautiful sinful merely because it may cause someone to sin? I don't think so. But the scriptures certainly call us to expand our horizons beyond our own desires and to consider what is good for others. Further down in that passage in Galatians, Paul says,

"For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Gal. 5:13-14)

I think it can be a good thing to enjoy the creation of a new hair style or a unique sense of style or a feminine appearance. We can praise God for creativity and beauty. But this always needs to be counter-balanced by a concern for your sister struggling with issues of identity and comparison or your brother struggling with lust. Not that concealing beauty or femininity can prevent sin--it can't. But perhaps we need to take more time to consider how our love for others coincides with our desire for beautification? Are we trying to glorify God with our appearance or is our true motivation self-glorification? Self-expression is a wonderful thing, but freedom doesn't trump love. 

On the flip side of that coin. Why do we struggle with jealousy and comparison? Isn't it because we are discontent with who we are? Or to put it another way, is it possible to see a beautiful person and not feel threatened? Yes. Absolutely. We can see a gorgeous person, appreciate their beauty and then be content with who we are. The problem is not so much that we are physically flawed, the problem is that we long to be something that we are not. 1 Timothy 6:9 speaks of the desire to be rich causing people to fall and I can't help thinking the desire to look like a supermodel is very similar. Paul says,

"But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction."

You see this is a problem of unfulfilled desires. You are discontent with who you are. These desires--to be something you are not--when left unchecked can cause all sorts of trouble in your life. Praying for a change of desires is an important remedy for this snare. Also, finding out who you are in Christ, why you are valuable and how you are uniquely gifted will help you know your value in God's kingdom.

In my experience, immodesty is a symptom of insecurity. People who are culturally inappropriate with appearances and behaviour in order to draw attention to themselves are by definition immodest. They need the approval of others to make themselves feel good. When it really gets down to it, isn't there something a little bit sad about seeing a woman (or a man) put an inordinant amount of time and effort into their appearance. Sometimes I wonder if, instead of us writing them off as arrogant and annoying we need to encourage them that they have eternal value. Any of us who, at one time or another,  have felt enslaved to something should feel compassion. Idolatry of that kind can really chew a person up and spit them out. It's an awful treadmill to be on.

FREEDOM AND VARIATION

Beauty is displayed in different ways. Some prefer to spend less time on their appearance--others more. Don't be quick to judge someone different than you. God has made us all with different temperaments; some of us are artistic and some more practical.

Exercise and diet can be good things, but don't assume that they are good things for you. In a culture as beauty-centric as our own, we have a greater responsibility to think through our reasons for pursuing physical beautification of our bodies.

Are we seeking to reflect the artistry of our saviour and give him glory in all things? Are we showing love to our brothers and sisters? Are we content with who God has made us? Some people are created physically very beautiful, some less so, but all are beautiful in God's eyes. Cultivate a carelessness about other peoples's opinions. Everyone is fearfully and wonderfully made.

My 4 Year Old Wants to be a News Anchor

And I think he may have found his calling! :)

Broken Jars and the Weight of Glory

We sit out under the stars. The flames dance between us and little boys giggle over roasted marshmallows.

New Years Eve we sat here in this same Arizona backyard with some dear friends and reflected on the year past. "Next year will be better. It can only go up from here!"

To our surprise, it went down.

The first day of the new year we checked my husband into the hospital. His stay lasted four days with a severe case of pneumonia. We have often asked the question, "Why, Lord? What are you trying to teach us? What are we supposed to be learning from these trials?" But we know the answer.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us…" (2 Cor. 4:7)

"Jars of clay" is a description slightly unflattering, but very true. It seems the more I long to be invincible, the brighter my frailty is put on display.

In Mesquite, Nevada, my boys and I strolled through a graveyard (I know, it's kind of morbid). We read the gravestones and patched together pieces of lives past--war heroes, children, cowboys, mothers and more--whole families buried together. Once vibrant and alive, now turned again to dust.

Ironically, I was struck by hope because the One with "surpassing power" gives life to ashes.

When the God-Man, Jesus Christ, came into our world to redeem the lost, new life broke into our dying world. My "jar of clay" is being renewed from the inside out. I feel the pain of sin and it's consequences, but each stroke against me corresponds to a renewal inside of me. A renewal begun and sustained by the Almighty.

I know that there is glory in my future. Glory that is weighty. Glory that is eternal. Glory that is beyond comparison. With each small affliction we are being prepared for it. As the Apostle Paul says:

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." (2 Cor. 4:16-18)

The other night as Clint was drifting off to sleep, I suddenly had a very pressing theological question for him. (I seem to do this to him far too often...but then again I have to take advantage of the perks of being married to a pastor!) He graciously woke himself up and spoke with me about what it means for God's glory to have weight. I wondered if God was resting too weightlessly on me. But if God's glory truly has weight to it, it should press down on us. We should feel affected by it. This is a glory that demands our attention and fills us with delight.  It takes effort to seek God's face, but those who behold it agree that there is no earthly comparison. And as Pastor John Piper says, "beholding is becoming." (cf. 2 Cor. 3:18)

I don't enjoy difficulties or love affliction, but I have confidence in God's promises for the future. If each affliction renews and prepares me for His glory, I cannot long for an easy life. If nothing else, this difficult year has taught me something about finding pleasure and joy not through ease of life, but in the face of Jesus Christ--the only One that completely satisfies.

Glimpses of Beauty in the Lingering Ugly

It's four months and counting since the flood. Time does fly. We have yet to begin repairs on our home, but feel we are close to beginning. As we contemplate Christmas in our 400 sq ft trailer, we remember that we are starting from scratch with the Christmas decorations. I'm contemplating whether we should get a tree this year. Will we sacrifice our already slender play area for the beautiful symbol of Christmas? The boys think a mini tree might work, but one boy is concerned about how we will fit all the presents underneath!

There are so many things weighing on my mind lately--so many things unfinished or unknown. I am thankful that God has been teaching me to celebrate the little things in life. Far too often I dwell on things unchangeable or not yet happened, but I am beginning to see the importance of engaging in the present, slowly and thoughtfully.

Each accomplished step in an ongoing project completed. Celebrate.

A special conversation with one of my boys. Give thanks.

A mealtime feast surrounded by faces that I love. Breathe deep. Praise God.

There is always a tension between anticipation and contentment. The load of the future can crush the joy of today. Learning to be content with things being unfinished is difficult. Thankfully, God's mercies are new every morning. (Lam. 3)

But lately I've been bothered by this question: How hard should we fight against the effects of 'the fall'? That rebellion in the garden has real consequences for us today. Surely we should not be complacent about sin. But illness, storms and aging are also consequences of fallen creation so in a certain sense it seems appropriate to fight against them as well.

But when do we cross a line and attempt to usurp the role of Jesus Christ--the One who entered our sin-broke world and began a new creation? Do we think that we can do better than him? Are we trying to create heaven on earth when He has promised us a temporary cross?

At times, I ache with the tension of "the now and not yet." Jesus has begun his new creation, but it is yet to be complete. I long to squirm out of the discomforts of the moment. The effects of sin constrain me and put me in a narrow place. (literally and figuratively!)

But what if we are not meant to be free of it? It's the bitter that makes the sweet so sweet. The sorrow that makes the joy so precious. As food tastes so much better after fasting and the sun's rays warm the soul after weeks of grey. In the same way, foretastes of hell make eternity with Jesus so much more precious. New Creation has broken into the present and my soul glimpses the beauty even in the lingering ugly.

It takes practice to see good in the difficulties--to be intentional about noticing tokens of grace. But can a person who has been blessed with a glorious inheritance act as if she is in poverty. The tokens and foretastes are everywhere if we slow down enough to see.

Trying to Block the Sun with a Speck of Dust

Everywhere I go, I see the t-shirts, "Come Hell or High River." There is a sense of camaraderie. A sense of overcoming something very difficult together. It feels good to be an overcomer. Even so, there are whisperings around us. Uncertainties surface when we least expect it. Will it happen again? Will someone I know be washed away? And then the waves overwhelm because nothing is normal yet. Windows are still boarded, homes are still gutted and there is still no timeline for normal-ness.

Someone recently told me that I was so strong. It felt good to hear. I felt a moment of superhero-ish exaltation. Yet my conscience whispered to me that it rang false.

As ironic as it sounds, I've discovered that even in difficult circumstances, my inner light needs a little damper. Inflated egos are ugly. And I'm beginning to see clearly that my inner light and strength is a flickering wick compared with the massive inferno of God's power, beauty and light. My ego rushes forward to impress, hoping to eclipse an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. It's like trying to block the sun with a speck of dust.   I'm not sure how many times I need to trip and fall before I understand that God is not impressed with my strength. The power of Christ rests on me in my weakness. (2 Cor. 12:9)

There are some things that can only be learned though experience. God's way defies logic. The way down is the way up. The path to joy is through suffering. The way forward is never straight and easy. It is full of bends and valleys and mountains. It's hard to grow when you're carried from mountaintop to mountaintop, but what's learned in the valley is life changing.

The words of that great preacher, Charles Spurgeon, make me pause:

Those who navigate little streams and shallow creeks, know but little of the God of tempests; but those who "do business in great waters" these see His "wonders in the deep." Among the huge Atlantic waves of bereavement, poverty, temptation, and reproach, we learn the power of Jehovah, because we feel the littleness of man.

It can be easy to live in an illusion of greatness, but it only takes a quiet moment underneath the numberless stars or a long glance at the mighty ocean to feel how small we really are. I find it profoundly freeing to admit my frailty, especially because it causes me to lean on Christ. I feel his mighty power rest upon me in my smallness. In Christ, I become part of something bigger then myself. United to Someone stronger, brighter and infinitely more beautiful than myself, I am filled with hope.

As I walk, trip and crawl through this dark valley, I trust that even though I cannot see clearly, there is a purpose in it. I am learning to be content with weakness and trials because His grace is sufficient for me.